POSITIVE DISCIPLINE by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.

Some Thoughts on Chapter 1: The Positive Approach

The book Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen presents the author’s synthesis of the philosophy of Alfred Adler and Rudolph Dreikurs. This is called the Adlerian approach. The goal of this approach is to teach children self-discipline, responsibility, and cooperation. The author testifies that, in her own family of seven children, the implementation of the Adlerian approach has “increased mutual respect, cooperation, enjoyment, and love.”(pg. xxiv)

In Chapter one, entitled “The Positive Approach”, the author asks the reader: “Why don’t today’s children develop the same kind of responsibility and motivation that seemed more prevalent in youth many years ago?”(pg.8)
The author theorizes that there are two main reasons for this problem.

1. “The first major change is that adults no longer give children an example or model of submission and obedience. Adults forget that they no longer act the way they used to in the good old days.”(pg.9)
2. “Another major change is that in today’s society children have fewer opportunities to learn responsibility and motivation. We no longer ‘need’ children as important contributors to economic survival. Instead, children are given too much without any effort or investment on their part.”(pg.9)

The purpose of this paper is not to explain the Adlerian approach, but to comment, from a Christian perspective, on the two societal problems noted by Jane Nelson. It is interesting that the problems which the author notes are seen as being detrimental to the welfare of children not only in the philosophy of Adler and Dreikurs, but more fundamentally, in the teachings of the Bible.
The author states that, “When Mom quit modeling submissiveness, children stopped being submissive.”(pg.9) In I Peter 3:1 it is stated, “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives,” and in verse 6, “Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” (King James Version) In Ephesians 5:22-24, a similar statement is made: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” This “modeling of submission” proceeds, in the Christian view, from a willingness to order our human relationships according to God’s directions for us. It is not surprising to the Christian that real benefits should accrue from doing things God’s way rather than his own way.

It is important also to use the definition for “submission” which the Bible uses. Ephesians 5:21 states that, “Submitting yourselves one to another,” is to be done, “in the fear of God.” Any “submission” must take into account what the entire Bible, God’s Word, teaches on this subject. The wife submits herself to one who is commanded to love her whole-heartedly, unselfishly, and sacrificially (Ephesians 5:25-29). In I Peter 3:8,9 both husbands and wives are instructed, “Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.”

A summary of godly family relationships which incorporates the concept of “submission” is found in Colossians 3:18-21: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” According to these Bible texts, submission does not indicate inferiority, but a willingness to interact with others according to one’s God-given role. True submission is not opposed to mutual respect, nor is godly exercise of authority opposed to mutual respect. Loving relationships are required of wives, husbands, and children.

The second problem noted by Jane Nelsen is that children in today’s society have fewer opportunities to learn responsibility and motivation. Her generalized solution is, “We need to provide opportunities for children to experience responsibility in direct relationship to the privileges they enjoy.”(pg.10) This principle is taught in II Thessalonians 3:8, 10: “Neither did we eat any man’s bread for nought; but wrought with labour and travail night and day, that we might not be chargeable to any of you . . .For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.” Christian parents, aware of this principle, can provide age-appropriate opportunities for their children to work in the home. It is unscriptural to treat children as if they are little princes and princesses who may demand service from their parents. If parents “sow” this improper behavior with their children, they will “reap” demanding, unthankful, lazy children: “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7) The parents have the responsibility to provide the character-training which their child needs in order to succeed in life and in spiritual matters. The Biblical directive to parents is: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6)

In the first chapter of Positive Discipline, the two problems noted by author Jane Nelsen:

1. Adults no longer give children a model of submission, and
2. Children have fewer opportunities to learn responsibility and motivation,

have been shown to be problems which the Bible addresses. It will be interesting to note, as I continue reading this book, if the author’s solutions to these problems are also in accord with Biblical principles.

. . . Love does not insist on its own way . . . RSV

Another verse somewhat related to the above verse is I Corinthians 9:19KJV:

For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more.

Again, in I Corinthians 10:24RSV it is stated:

Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.

And again, in I Corinthians 10:33KJV it is stated:

Even as I please all men in all things, not seeking mine own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.

Matthew Henry, in his commentary, states:

Our own humour and appetite must not determine our practice, but the honour of God and the good and edificaton of the church. Henry, Matthew. “Commentary on 1 Corinthians 10.” Matthew Henry Commentary on the Whole Bible. Blue Letter Bible. 01 Mar 1996. 20 Sep 2005.

In applying I Corinthians 5 to my life as a wife and mother, in my interactions with my husband and children, I have paraphrased it to myself as: Say, “Yes,” whenever possible.

When my husband wants to rearrange a room, it is loving to try to say, “OK! Let’s try that,” rather than immediately coming up with all the reasons I would rather have the room remain comfortably the same. (I don’t like my surroundings to change unless there is some HUGE reason they should be redone. 🙂 ) It is better to encourage my husband’s ideas whenever that is possible, rather than saying him, “Nay”. Also, if the suggested change does not work out, I need to be gracious about that as well. As Matthew Henry says, I must not be ruled by my own “humour”–which I take to mean my own preferences–but must consider first of all what will honor God and rightly please others.

When the children were little, they often had little requests which, to an adult, might have seemed inconsequential. However, I believed that to be truly loving to them, to nurture their spirits, I needed to honor these requests, and respond with a “Yes!” whenever that was possible. It is good to teach the little ones to help with the household work, to expect them to obey immediately, to instruct them academically, but it is also good and it is truly loving to say such things as:

• Yes, let’s go to the park for a picnic today.
• Yes, we’ll buy that fabric and start sewing that dress as soon as possible.
• Yes, you have finished all your chores; you may invite your friend over to play.
• Yes, that sounds delicious; I’ll make that for dinner.
• Yes, you may make blanket tents in the living room; clean it up afterwards.
• Yes, let’s take a break now and read that book together.

• If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
• And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
• If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
• Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
• it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
• it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
• Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
• Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
• For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
• but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.
• When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
• For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.
• So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

This passage of Scripture has been so helpful to me throughout the time that I have been married, and my husband and I have been raising a family. This morning I am especially thinking of the portion which states “Love is patient and kind.” Whenever I have been tempted to be irritable with my family, I have considered this verse. If at times I have chosen to be irritable, impatient, or unkind, at that point I have not loved my family. The Scripture defines the concept of love for me, so that I can know whether I am or am not being loving. I think also of I John 3:18,

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.(KJV)

It is not enough to say, “I love you,” to a family member, but I must show through my actions, my patience and kindness, that I love them in reality.

The Greek word for love used in I Corinthians 13 is agape. Hogg and Vine in Notes on Thessalonians, page 105, state

Christian love, whether exercised toward the brethren, or toward men generally, is not an impulse from the feelings, it does not always run with the natural inclinations, nor does it spend itself only upon those for whom some affinity is discovered. Love seeks the welfare of all, Rom. 15:2, and works no ill to any, 13:8-10; love seeks opportunity to do good to ‘all men, and especially toward them that are of the household of the faith,’ Gal. 6:10. See further I Cor. 13 and Col. 3:12-14.

So then, agape love is something that I choose, by God’s grace, to show to my family. It does not depend upon how I am feeling today, or whether or not my family are pleasing me at that precise moment in time. For Christ’s sake, by God’s grace, I choose to love my family. This is not some lofty attainment, but is simply what I owe them.

Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. Romans 13:8- 10 (KJV)